I never thought my life would still be effected by something that happened to me in my tween years. Molestation is something you will never get over and never let anyone tell you that you will. I was pure and he took that away from me. I will never get my innocence back. I never had the chance to experience a kiss or touch from my first love because he took that from me. I was never the same afterwards. This was someone I thought would protected me so how could this be? I remember the day like it was yesterday and often I wish I could go back to that day and change it. There I go again blaming myself for some shit that wasn't my fault. I was a child damn it! I can never get my life back. I can never be a child again. I will never forget, but it won't consume my life. Although it did for a long time because I kept the secret from everyone until I just couldn't anymore. I was married and never told my husband although he's not a person that would even understand.
I was in college before I decided to seek professional help. This traumatic incident has caused me to have serious trust issues. Along with other things but I'm a work in progress and I'm using my voice to inspire others to tell their stories and heal. Being a survivor of molestation I struggle with everyday life interactions such as hugging. I can tell myself that I'm going to hug a person, especially if I haven't seen them in a long time but that shit never happens. I can't do it. I don't like being touched unexpected so being intimate is definitely an issue. Don't get me wrong now I like to be intimate, but at times I don't feel like being bothered. However being in a relationship it's hard at times. I'm glad I was honest from the beginning with my love. The shit just piss me off because I don't feel normal although my baby says that I'm unique. Lately I have been so paranoid and over protective of my children, especially my daughter. She turned ten in May and my mind takes me back to when my innocence was taken from me. I watch her everyday and she's so innocent and sweet. All I can think about is How the hell could that happen to me? What did he see in me? I was just a kid and he decided to ruin my life. I pray hard over my children daily but I still don't like them out of my sight. Spending the night is out of the question, I don't care if it's family. My children understands why I'm overprotected. Yeah, don't be shocked! I'm transparent with my children. We discuss good touch bad touch and I know the signs so I'm on top of it. There's no good age to talk to kids about people touching them. If your child or anyone tells you that they have been touched molested or rape believe them and don't tell them to keep it a secret. I was told that everyone didn't need to know my story. But God revealed to me something different. I haven't even told my family about my blog site so if they read or hear about it oh well. It's my story, I'm not ashamed anymore, and I will no longer be silent. I don't want my kids to ever experience this horrible thing in life. My privates weren't private anymore and that shit caused me to never be the same. I get so upset at times because he is living his life and here I am just trying to make it through the day. I have never mentioned his name on anything publicly but the people in my circle know the monster. I do struggle with should I let the people know and if I do what will happen to him, even though I don't care because he didn't give a damn about me or my feelings. After the Summer of 1994 my life was never the same. It was a summer of hell. But by GOD'S grace....iSurvived. 22 years later, and I'm finally able to speak my truth.
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Everyone has struggled with something in their life. I would like to share my story to help someone and to let you know that you aren't alone and you will make it if you believe in yourself and have faith. Many may think my life has always been grand but those are the ones that don't know my story. Through it all God has always been by my side. During my tween years I molested by someone I never thought could or would hurt me. Depression and low self esteem were my best friends. I developed some great coping methods, in which I found out in my adult life were not so great. Dealing with unstable emotions I always felt alone so at age 16, I decided I wanted a baby. To only be forced to have an abortion. Yes, I dealt with heavy issues at an early age. The anger from trying to live a life that wasn't me in the 1st place, the thoughts and horrible nightmares from being molested. Then I was dealing with depression, hurt, and anger. I was mean and hateful. My thought process was not to trust anyone, no one loved me and I needed someone to love me. My senior year a few weeks after I received my acceptance letter from Columbus State I found out I was pregnant and I was keeping my son, regardless of what anyone said. I had family members tell me I wouldn't be anything but a failure and that I wouldn't graduate high school. I graduated high school and had my son. He was definitely God sent. But somehow, It still seemed like life was passing me by. Going to college, working, and trying to maintain a sane mind was all too much. I miscarried my second son in the Summer of 2004 and I was an emotional wreck, but I never let anyone see that side of me. I married my high school sweetheart, as broken as I was so imagine what kind of marriage I had. In 2005, I became pregnant with our daughter. In 2006 a troubled marriage and unresolved problems from childhood caused me to go into labor at 26 weeks. Another storm that I didn't know I could deal with. Especially when the doctor's said she wouldn't live past 24 hours. I did what I've always done and that was pray. My daughter was in the hospital the first 6 months of her life due to surgeries. With my husband physically and emotionally not there, once again...I was alone. Needless to say the marriage ended. I was a 24 year old single mother dealing with depression, abandonment, hurt, trust issues, molestation, anger, and more but I didn't give up. I've always had a relationship with God so I did what I knew how to do and that was pray for strength to get through it. I decided I wanted to begin healing. I let some family members know what happened to me as a child. I didn't receive the love I had been looking for, for so long but hey I was still standing and I refused to be silent like they wanted me to. Being a single parent is hard but I make it happen. February 2012 started the worst year for me as a parent. I was homeless. I was staying at a hotel until my Guardian Angel took us in. On Dec 12, 2012 while being homeless I graduated from Georgia Southwestern University with a master's in business. The morning of graduation, I was lying on the floor in tears. Not because I didn't have money to pay for my cap and gown, but because I was thankful in spite of it all...I made it. January 2013, I was able to get an apartment and move. I was so happy and humbled. God showed me years ago that I will use my story to help and inspire others that have been victims of child sexual abuse and once I decided I was ready to stop running and share my story, I began therapy. I have a therapist that I see once a week and I'm not ashamed of that anymore. I learned how to love and accept me for whom I am and to not be ashamed of my life, but to embrace it and help others. Once I mastered loving myself I began to forgive others who had hurt me. Forgiveness is not easy but in order to heal and move forward you have to do it. You have to forgive. If not the people that hurt you will always have control over you and keep you from healing. I'm currently facing what I call the "Eye of the Storm" now. But I know God is in control and that he has NEVER left me in any other storm. Seek God, and he will direct your path. Everyone deserves to live a happy and healthy life but it starts with YOU. Even though I've been through a lot... I'm healing, I'm at peace with a lot of things but most of all I'M STILL STANDING. I deal with so much on a daily basis,but I refuse to give up and that's why I'M STILL STANDING. Seek God, and he will direct your path. |